Basic human ones. And they’ve been violated by this medieval, frontal lobe-poking, turkey baster thingie.

This morning, when being administered the latest round of brain-sucking torture, I swear I felt a small gust of air actually enter my butt.

Is this nasal abuse I’m incurring some sort of revenge for the naturally-produced odors that I frequently emit? Because I can smell those too, and they aint that bad.

If my rights are violated in this fashion once more, I shall demand that Bono of U2 stop making crappy music for a second and lead an effort for my immediate amnesty.