And what have I learned? Nothing of real consequence, unless you count knuckle sucking.

I was certain by this point in time I would be fluent in at least two Latin-based languages, be an intermediate break dancer, an amateur illusionist, know at least three power chords on the guitar, have a remedial knowledge of welding, a harem of lady babies, an iPhone, a Big Wheel, a LinkedIn profile and an undergrad degree from Arizona State.

The material possessions are less important to me than developmental milestones. Like having the ability to roll over onto my stomach. I know that sounds like a dog trick, but not being unable to perform this basic task is quite maddening. Makes me feel like a turtle that has been overturned and left to roast in the hot sun. But instead of a hot sun, it’s just real cold. So instead of roasting, I’m actually freezing.

But you get the idea.

I’ll tell you another thing I have yet to learn: patience.